I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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