Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
