I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
