I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
