By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
