Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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