final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
