You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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