she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Never underestimate the power of titties
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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