you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
