he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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