Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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