put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
