apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
