just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
