before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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