Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
