I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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