She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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