im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
