FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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