those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
