They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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