btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
