hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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