P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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