note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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