I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
