Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
