I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
