I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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