You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
