You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
