I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
