I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
