did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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