my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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