totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
