When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
