Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Screwed.edu
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
