wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
