'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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