I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
