how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
