fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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