He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Of course I have a pirate flag
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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