My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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