I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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