Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
