My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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