Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
