16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
