his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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