he wants to bone in the snuggie
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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